End of all Time

I have a tendency to look at the end of the year as something of doomsday. When it feels like the end of the world is coming, then it seems like I'm acting all out of character, which I normally don't feel like I have a care in the world. It always occurs when the year is over. Right after Labor Day, I feel like the world is about to end. And as the days get shorter for winter, when sunlight is getting less and less, I think it is the world getting closer and closer to the end.

It doesn't seem to be an autistic trait or behavior, but I would have to say that it comes from my dark viewpoint being raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. I was told constantly as a child that this "wicked system of things" was getting closer to its end, and how we had to be diligent in the Organization of God so that we would survive Armageddon. And I thought that the end of the year, when all the holidays and many birthdays that seemed to occur that it was the ultimate test of my faith in God. I had to reject Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas; pay no heed to Labor Day, Veterans Day, and Columbus Day. For many years, I had to do this in order to gain God's approval.
I felt overwhelmed and actually hopeless when I found out I had an autism diagnosis that I couldn't fulfill what was asked of me by my parents and the elders of the congregation. I was already struggling to express and understand emotions of myself and of others that to repress feelings and such was all I had to do in order to feel like the greatest failure anyone can be.
When I grew older, I saw more and more how this type of thinking, and the fear that it caused, made me feel worse about myself and how damaged I had become. I have to think that I am damaged because this type of thinking has done that to so many people, and it causes further isolation and intrust for many.
I plan to go onto detail about this as time allows and share more about my experiences as a JW.

Thank you for your time.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When is it enough?

I am not the most perfect person. Humble I try to be, but I am not without flaw. I try to do what I can and when I do something, I try to make myself available and do as asked. I may not always know what is right or what is right now, but I know that I have a need to express what should be addressed. I don't know what people are to expect of me. I try not to set any standard, not say I am better or worse than anyone. Some of the things that have happened I can or cannot change. I am who I am. But there are things that keep happening that I try not to have at me. A while back, I read an article about a man who has Asperger's living in England, who committed suicide after calling for help four times to the crisis hotline. It left me in a position to understand how vulnerable one can be when the struggle to express what you feel is a problem. Not everyone can do that. As an individual who lives with Asperger's, I cannot even think how many times I have tried to express mysel
Read more

Q 'n' A

I was inspired by something I saw years ago where people would be given an opportunity to ask someone a question about what life was like for people on the spectrum. Granted everyone's experiences are different, and there is more than two sides of the story, but if you would like for me to have a discussion on what my life as being on the spectrum is then let's work something out to make that happen.
Read more